Denial

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Denial

Denial. Dat’s de river in Egypt, no?

© Jérôme Bon

No.

There’s something I’ve been having trouble coming to grips with: it just doesn’t seem to sink in how much weight I’ve lost. I see the numbers on the scale, and I take pictures to try and hammer it into my brain, but none of it seems to make a dent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with the progress I’ve been making. But at the same time, somehow detached from it.

I think part of the issue is that I never really accepted just how overweight I was (and still am). I lift up my toddler and can’t imagine carrying that weight around all the time, much less that I am still carrying around two more.

Perhaps I just have a positive body image. But overly positive? That kinda smells like denial. The kind I can usually cure by looking at a photo of myself. That’s what other people see? Ugh. It’s one of the things I needed to get past in order to motivate myself to lose – I had to convince myself that I needed to.

At least, must have convinced myself, because I’m losing, right?

Sometimes it’s a little bit depressing when you post a loss, and hear other people say “wow, that’s awesome!”, and you look at the numbers and can see why they would say that (indeed, it’s exactly what you would say to someone else). But somehow I look at the numbers and, well, they’re just numbers.

I’m coming up on a big number. I’m both looking forward to it, and not really engaged in it. It would be nice to celebrate it when it gets here. I really hope I can.

What do your numbers say to you? Do you think your self image aligns with reality? In a good way, or a bad way?

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3 responses

  1. My body image is out of line with reality…totally. I am shocked by photos of myself. I think because I’m quite active and seem to be getting so much stronger, I should be SMALLER. FITTER. TIGHTER. And, well, i’m just stronger. I can not seem to make that scale budge even a little bit and it’s been 4 weeks of TRYING…getting older is hard. And hearing that my up and down ways over the last 10 years have likely done a doozy on my metabolism is a hard thing to hear to.

    In the meantime, I’ll focus on the getting stronger bit!

    • I’m glad I’m not the only one! Stronger is good. Stronger is *very* good – it gets you other places. Sounds like a good place to focus!

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